I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
This will never not be funny 😭
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.