There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine