Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .