At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?