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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin