Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.