I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Did…did a minotaur write this
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga