I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma