I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that