Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Cats (2019)
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok