People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
DOOO EEEET
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.