it is time once again
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
okay run it by me one more time
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding