“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.