I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.