Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Are we there yet?…
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…