been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife