No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?