“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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May never get over this
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day