my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
multitasking lunch
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
never forget
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to