Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I hate when that happens.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago