daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.