[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am