Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My beach vacation Google searches
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling