Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
a badder mouse
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Good morning.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.