Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Good advice.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me irl
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”