@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.