The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.