No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.