She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
You Might Also Like
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)