ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
my first dose meeting my second