A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
sugar glider wrangler
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.