Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!