[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”