I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.