Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Become ungovernable.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke拢ha,
Ke鈧琱a,
Ke楼ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[Slaps string cheese out stranger鈥檚 hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy鈥檚 I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 馃憣馃徏
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Nothing to do, you say?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I鈥檓 thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*