ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)