wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
<—- homeless romantic
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?