I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.