My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
May have had one breakfast too many
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty