My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Goat cheese is for herders.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.