I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Breakfast for Stoners:
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today