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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Cool shirt 🙂
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective