“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
This is my emotional support knife.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
couldn’t resist
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.