tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
You Might Also Like
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present