in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Weirdos gonna weird.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over