Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
The first one, obviously
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.