Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
#TopTip
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?