wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I love you…
…r dog.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER