My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.