my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Never forget.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?